Woolwich already had 4 horrible kebab takeaways. Now it has a fifth.
There’s a crusty outdated saying that doing the identical factor repeatedly and anticipating a unique result’s the very definition of insanity. The numerous phrases spewed onto this web site over the previous decade or so might be an instance of this. Woolwich’s unthinking love affair with subpar kebab eateries most likely counts too.
Previous to 2023, no less than 4 purveyors of meat tornados did enterprise on this nook of south east London. That now consists of the cheekily unimaginative weasels which have taken over the title and premises (however sadly not the decor) of the dearly departed Eritrean restaurant Blue Nile. No locale, with the attainable exception of locations with stadia and sticky-floored night time golf equipment, wants that many purveyors of drearily gray lamb meat manhandled into an outsized pitta.
Besides German Doner Kebab doesn’t serve lamb, with beef as the primary protein of selection as an alternative. The bovine flesh is marketed as ‘lean’; such unnecessary anhedonic puffery is one cause why the kebabs listed below are so unconvincing. Stripped of fats’s flavour-giving qualities, the shreds of beef had been persistently, exquisitely and relentlessly bland – much more depressingly drab than bingo night time in a morgue. Not like many morgue inhabitants, the meat did no less than have the decency to be moist.
One of many many joys available at a correct kebab joint is the bread, however German Doner Kebab managed to stuff this up too. The trademark waffle-lookalike bread, whereas vaguely like sheafs off a Turkish spherical, had all of the enchantment of the stale, heavy crumbs reserved for pigeons. The purple-hued ‘coco’ variant was lighter, puffier and evenly candy. However let’s face it, the color is it’s raison d’etre – to enchantment to youngsters and anybody else easy sufficient to be fooled by vibrant major colors and easy geometric shapes.
The papery panini was match much less for human consumption and extra for wrapping-up a brick to be thrown via a window belonging to your worst enemy. The durum wrap was the least incompetent member of the carbohydrate forged, with a mildly stiff preliminary chew giving method to a comfortable comply with via.
The oddly-coiled quesadilla used a floppy wheat flour tortilla which, whereas small, was no less than edible. Enveloped inside was skinny, watery cheese that attempted in useless to enliven the languidly insipid beef.
The Berliner Strasse is principally a rolled-up lamachun topped with doner, cheese and fries as an alternative of the same old toppings. Besides all that extraneous effort result in vanishingly little repay. The carb layer was suspiciously just like the durum wrap. The absence of the same old mince was keenly felt given the waste-of-space doner. This, mixed with the watery tomatoes, added as much as a deadly lack of moreishness. The lemon and parsley sauce was extra aspiration than actuality. With none extant parsley, the dearth of natural crispness and aroma was noticeable. Though the cheese was barely any higher than the gunk gracing the quesadilla, it (together with the fluffy fries) had nearly sufficient dairy fats to make this entire affair vaguely edible.
Surprisingly, the spring rolls proved to be enjoyably quaffable. The pastry was crispy and never too oily. The meat model had the fattiness that the doner dishes so desperately wanted, whereas there was even a touch of chilli spice due to sliced jalapenos. The rooster variant was, unsurprisingly, a waste of time and energy given the predictably pale and paltry poultry.
The Verdict
Maybe the market analysis peeps on the eyebrow-raisingly named German Doner Kebab are onto one thing. Open a brightly lit parlour with ample seating and low costs for a vaguely ‘completely different’ but finally acquainted menu, and folks will come – regardless of how crowded the market, how shockingly low and cynical the standard of what’s really on supply. German Doner Kebab continues to be insanity, however in a lunatic bin the place you get forward by pandering to low expectations, the maddest inmate turns into king.
What to order: The meat spring rolls
What to skip: virtually all the things else
Identify: German Doner Kebab
Tackle: 60 Powis Road, Woolwich, London SE18 6LQ
Cellphone: none listed
Net: https://www.germandonerkebab.com/german-doner-kebab-store-locations/uk
Opening Hours: seven days every week 11.00-23.00.
Reservations? not taken.
Common price for one individual: £10-15 approx.
Ranking: ★☆☆☆☆
